My Acceptance Speech

I’m still working out the kinks, but here are some excerpts.

Some of my opponents have gone on the record as being against babies and puppies. Time and time again, they have voted against babies, and have speechified and slandered against cute, little, defenseless puppies. Let me make my position clear: I love babies, and puppies, and you, and I will never allow babies to be puppies, and puppy America will never be a safe harbor for the antibaby of love. […]

Some people say that people shouldn’t be educated. Some people say that people should be kept in wooden boxes in my basement and fed only ground-up cold weed soup once a week. I have never failed to let you know how I feel about wooden boxes: they are not for basements. Nor are they for attics, or garages, or carports, or Russians. This is not Russia. America is not Americastan. Nor is it Woodenboxistan. And boxes must be allowed to be wooden. […]

Make no mistake. The world is full of evil people. And people make mistakes. Mistakes get made. I make mistakes. So does evil. Let liberty not be misunderstood: I have been mistook. One of my opponents has said that communism “didn’t sound like such a bad idea.” He even went so far as to say that Hitler, like all mistakes, was once “a baby.” This is a position on top of a big mountain from which I will never climb down: Hitler was never a mistaken baby. And evil was never communism. And all living, liberal babies, in my America, must breathe liberty. […]

Some people say that people shouldn’t be allowed to vote for other people, even people with money. Some people spend money dangerously. This is America, where danger is not free. Some people, perhaps even my opponent, like to drink forties, shoot off guns, and gamble their girlfriend’s disability check on Lotto. That’s their right. Some people, and my opponent might not not be one, make bathtub meth, poke fun at veterans, and want nothing more than to be allowed to make the moves on cute, little, defenseless puppies. Let me be as clear as guns: cuteness, in my America, will never be defeated.