Have I Got an Act for You

Years ago, when I first started this site, I was horrified to discover, looking at my site stats, all the appalling search terms visitors had used to end up here at tomhop.com. (I imagine most new URL owners must experience the same horror.) The search term rankings were an astounding list of orifices and organs, fluids and solids, food items and celebrities, and all the ways in which they might be perversely combined. It read like a mostly legal version of The Aristocrats.

I decided to try to exploit the Robot Exclusion Protocol (which is also the subtitle of that new Star Wars movie, right?), thinking I could just steer the perverts away. (To do so seemed to be as much for their benefit as mine; once they got here and found that there were, in fact, no photographic images of ladies doing unseemly things with bodily fluids, tobacco products, flavored gelatin, and each other, it’s not like they were sticking around very long anyway.)

For the most part, the strategy worked. But nowadays, no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, visitors keep ending up here looking for cats hanging in there. And I’m not sure which is more depressing—the stinky navel fetishists, or the cute inspirational poster seekers.

Sometimes there’s just no stopping people.